Our most commented story on Monday was an essay by a 45 year-old British woman named Karen Marley. Karen claims to be a serial mistress, and she went on at length about how she preferred to date married men for various reasons. In Karen’s world, her friendships with these men are harmless and she takes the position that what the wives don’t know hurt them. She thinks that in many cases she helps spice up marriages. I of course disagree. Karen’s essay read like Samantha Brick’s recent treatise on her (questionable) beauty, and some thought it might be a put-on meant to publicize a cheaters website in the UK, which was mentioned throughout. Given my dealings with her, I believe she’s genuine about it and that she’s a real person. I could be wrong.
Karen and I emailed back and forth throughout the day on Monday and into Tuesday. (She used the same email as is shown on her website.) She first e-mailed me asking me to change the wording in our post on her, calling it libelous. She asked us to take the story down (which she was successful in doing with Radar Online, as she explains on her Twitter) but I countered that we were just repeating what she had personally written, and that if I changed the title from “bedding” to “dating” married men it wouldn’t have varied at all from what she wrote. She was cool with that, and we got into a pretty interesting and respectful debate about the topics she brought up in her essay. She was upset that people kept focusing on her looks, which she found superficial and not related to the issue. She also really didn’t see the harm in what she was doing, and the things she wrote me mirrored the essays she’s written for British outlets.
I still find her actions morally wrong, and I still cringe when I read how she’s trying to justify herself, but I will admit to having more respect for her now. This is a very charming lady who was able to sort-of win me over with her words. If she’s that slick in email, imagine how she must be in person. She’s a lady player, ya’ll and she’s in no way apologetic about it. Here’s what she wrote just for us. My name is “Katie,” which is what she’s referring to below.
This is my chance to set the record straight. I’m sure it won’t silence the haters, but I never claimed to be a Jackass Whisperer. There will always be people quick to judge on looks alone, quick to jump to conclusions based on a headline, regardless of whether it is true or not, and quick to form an opinion without knowing all the facts.
Gossip sites wouldn’t be gossip sites if those people didn’t exist. But thankfully, Katie is happy to give me a voice, to give you the facts. Most will still hate me, and hate what I do, despite what I write today, and you are all welcome to that view, but if I manage to change the opinion of just one person then I will be satisfied.
My name is Karen Marley and I am a Serial Mistress.
I have been dating married men for six years. And by dating I mean exactly that – DATING. I originally went on the dating website for married members simply because I had met so many supposedly single men on ‘normal’ dating sites. They claimed to be unattached but dropped off the planet every evening and weekend. How many of you reading this now, even the ones who despise me, can honestly, without a shadow of doubt, say they have never dated/kissed/flirted with another person’s spouse or partner?
Either knowingly or in complete oblivion, I can guarantee a huge proportion of readers will have done something with someone who wasn’t completely available.
I chose the site so I would know what I was getting in to. And as I preferred my single life, and every single man I had dated wanted something serious too soon, the married man fitted into what I was looking for at the time. I thoroughly enjoyed my single status, and still do. I could do what I wanted when I wanted and had to answer to no one; something a lot of people initially struggled to understand, but ultimately envied. I also realised I didn’t NEED a man to complete me. I was secure and confident, with an active social life, lots of friends and a great family, so I didn’t feel there was space for a full-time man. I still wanted the company of a man occasionally, but certainly didn’t ‘need’ one.
The first married man I met slotted into my life perfectly, as a companion and a great friend. We spent time together once every couple of weeks until he moved away, and we parted. We are still good friends now but don’t get chance to meet up. I moved on to another married man from the site, and our arrangement worked just as well as the last.
It left me time for the things I wanted to do, and gave him the ego boost he needed to go back to his wife with a spring in his step.
As time went on I met more married men via illicitencounters.com and became good friends with many of them. Occasionally the chemistry wasn’t quite what I expected, or circumstances/distance/work commitments invariably got in the way, so eventually over the years it amounted to over 50 men. Now and again something developed and we became more than friends, but I can assure you it was certainly nothing like the 50 men quoted in the original post about me.
I am, and always have been, incredibly choosy about my men, and I take my time over anything that could progress past friendship. How many single women reading this can say they have been so choosy with single men, either from the internet or in bars?
Over the six years I can remember, fondly, each lover I have had. Would I be able to do that if the numbers were over 50? Can you remember all of your single lovers over the years? Honestly?
In the last few days it has made me question what actually constitutes cheating. I have dated many men but not bedded them as it has been claimed, but does that count as an affair? Where does the affair begin? In his head when he makes the conscious decision to join a website to look for a mistress? Or the minute his penis enters any part of the other woman?
In the press, infidelity can vary from indiscretions on Twitter, through exchanging naked pictures via text message, to Bill Clinton ‘innocent’ oral sex, and Tiger Woods’ serial adultery. But where, in reality, does the line actually lie? And from the mistress perspective, when do I go from being a normal, single woman getting to know a man, to the evil mistress who should be vilified? How many of you have flirted a little with someone at work? Or smiled sweetly at a stranger across a bar? Does that make you a mistress? How many have got to know a man and found out later he was attached, but carried on the friendship anyway? How many can say they don’t have at least one phone number of a married man saved on their mobile? Does that make you all mistresses? Or are you just innocently friends with a married man? This is my point exactly. The majority of the time I am just that – friends with a married man. Rarely does it become more serious or physical, so can you honestly still call me a whore, slut, slag, slapper, trailer trash, c*m dumpster?
Yes, I know sleeping with married men is shocking, but I have never and will never wreck any homes. If anything gets serious, I end it. If he gets restless at home and sees me as his escape route, I end it. And if his wife ever finds out and questions him, I end it.
I want no part in any destruction or upset, so I keep my feelings in check, and enjoy the man for his charm, sophistication, intelligence and wit. We each know where the boundaries lie and never cross them, and that is how it will always be.
Judge me for what I do, I understand that will always happen. Don’t judge me just for what I look like – we all have different tastes, and I do OK thank you. Wouldn’t the world be a dull place if we all looked alike? Judge me for coming forward to talk about this, but understand that I am not bragging. I’m simply highlighting an alternative lifestyle, and trust me, I’m not the only single woman in the world doing this. But don’t judge me for dating so many men, can you all say you are completely innocent when it comes to your previous dating history?
As the saying goes:
He who is without sin cast the first stone.
Thank you for listening to my side of the story.
[From Karen Marley for Celebitchy, received via e-mail, visit her site here]
This is a lousy slippery slope argument. There’s a huge difference between winking at married men or talking to them out of necessity or even casual friendship, and actively seeking them out for a relationship, even if it’s just a “friendship” at first. Emotional affairs do wreck marriages, and those guys aren’t going home to their wives “with a spring in their step,” they’re often comparing how they feel with their wives and the drudgery of every day, with how they feel with the mistress who only has to get taken out for dinner, smile and hang on his every word. Who do you think gets the short stick? The one doing all the hard work through years of laundry, housecleaning and child rearing. This lady lives on a different planet, but I tell you after a few emails with her I told her that I’d take her out for a drink if she was ever in my city. And I meant it.
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